Is this real? Jin Zixuan wonders, gazing at his sleeping son. Is this really happening? Did I really get this?
Little a-Ling sleeps in his crib next to his and a-Li’s bed, nose lightly scrunched and his right hand clenched in a tight fist. He’s still holding Suihua’s tassel—he grabbed it earlier that day and hasn’t let go since—and the sight makes Zixuan feel both teary and fiercely proud.
A-Li lets out a sigh and turns slightly, reaching out for their son even in her sleep. She’s still exhausted after the long and hard birth, the bruises under her eyes dark purple despite the bedrest she’s been in. Zixuan was there for the birth (he pointedly ignored Father’s leery remarks) and he was there when she passed out and he was there when she woke up, ready to place a-Ling on her arms before she even opened her mouth to demand it.
That, too, made him feel both teary and fiercely proud: teary because she wanted to have this with him and proud because no way in hell could Zixuan have done what she did.
A-Ling makes a soft, whiny sound and Zixuan hurries to pick him up, pretending not to see the nanny’s slightly disapproving side-eye. He made the conscious, adamant decision to be present in his children’s lives long before a-Ling was born, to be different from his own father, which means he needs to start now. He knows he’s clumsy and awkward and easily embarrassed but he also knows he can’t learn unless he’s willing to be clumsy and awkward and embarrassed, and besides, a-Li appreciates his efforts.
”There, there,” he says earnestly, cradling a-Ling against his chest and patting him gently on the back, swaying slowly from side to side.
”You shouldn’t pick him up at the slightest whim, Young Master,” the nanny says dourly. ”He’ll learn to expect it.”
Zixuan swallows down a sharp retort and merely says, ”He’ll learn he can always trust his parents to be there when he needs them.” He keeps swaying and turns his back on the nanny. ”You can go have your break now. We’ll call on you when we need you.”
The nanny huffs as she leaves the room, closing the door behind her with a soft but somehow judgmental sound.
Zixuan lets out a long breath.
”See, a-Ling?” he whispers. ”We don’t need nannies. Baba is more than capable of taking care of you and Mama at the same time!” He pauses. ”As long as there are no nappy incidents.” He hopes there are no nappy incidents.
He peeks a quick glance at a-Li and, satisfied that she’s still asleep, pecks a kiss on a-Ling’s forehead, just above the bright red dot marking him a main family Jin. ”I’m so proud to be your father,” he whispers. ”I swear I’m going to be a good father so that you can be proud of me, too.”
Jin Ling, barely four weeks old and blissfully unaware and uncaring of his baba’s words and the feelings behind them, rubs his face on Zixuan’s chest and settles down.