”I’m never falling in love again,” Tony said and took a long pull from the bottle. The amber liquid sloshed and spilled from the corner of his mouth, staining his shirt. He didn’t care. He swallowed and took another pull.
”Never. Falling. In. Love. Again.”
JARVIS, bless his coded heart, stayed silent.
He’d really thought Pepper was the one. Smart as a whip, didn’t take any of his shit, kept him in line, sexy as hell, and did he mention smart? She’d challenged him and made him better—made him want to be better. And despite everything he’d tried, she still couldn’t do it. Still couldn’t handle all of him.
He bit back a sob and slid to sit on the floor. The workshop was dark, the only light provided by DUM-E and U’s empty charging stations and the emergency exit light above the door. There was a slight cover of dust all around, signaling how long it had been since he last bothered doing anything here.
They’d tried to work things out in Malibu but after the whole Mandarin fiasco—let alone Killian—there wasn’t much to work out. His house had exploded, he’d destroyed his armors, and for what? He’d still nearly gotten Pepper killed.
His bots were in a broken heap on the floor, much like Tony himself. He suddenly felt dead tired.
”Lockdown, J,” he muttered as his eyes fell shut and the almost empty bottle slid from his grasp and rolled on the floor.
”Yes, Sir,” JARVIS sighed.
Things slowly started…not getting better, no. But they started to even out. Perhaps it was the fact that without Pepper, Tony had no one to remind him to sleep or eat and he could binge-tinker himself to exhaustion. Or the fact that the ragtag team that had defeated aliens (”Fucking aliens, Rhodey! Aliens!”) slowly filtered into the tower and before Tony realized, he was no longer the sole occupant in the building.
It didn’t make him feel any less alone, though.
Things with Pepper were strained for a good while. Despite her protests, he insisted she kept the company and despite his excellent reasoning, she kept refusing.
”You’re so much better CEO than I’d ever even hope to be,” he pleaded one day after over half an hour of arguing, looking up at her with his eyes as big as he could make them.
”That doesn’t work for me anymore,” she said, something tight around her eyes. ”You can put the puppy eyes away.”
He closed his eyes and rubbed a tired hand over his face. ”That’s not—” he started and stopped. He turned sharply, picked up a stray screwdriver and started fiddling with it. ”You know, just because I can’t bend you over the couch anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
”Tony,” she said, voice low and dangerous.
”No, hear me out. Please.” He waited until he saw her terse nod from the corner of his eye and then continued, staring at the screwdriver. ”I know I’m a fuckup, okay? My time with you was the best time of my life, seriously, and that’s counting the part of the 1990’s I remember nothing about.” He saw her cross her arms across her chest, impatient to be away from him already. ”I can’t just stop loving you,” he said, turning his back at her to avoid seeing the flinch he knew would follow. ”But that has nothing to do with the fact that out of two of us, I know who is a better leader. I know I’m smarter than you—genius, remember?—but that’s not the same as running a company. SI is doing better under your rule than it never has under mine and it’s not just because the board knows you’re in my bed.” He paused. ”Or were in my bed.”
He swirled around and shot her a brilliant smile he knew didn’t fool her for a second. ”So, when I say I want you to continue as the CEO, I mean it. It was never about who was fucking who, it was about competence. It still is.”
She pursed her lips and just looked at him for a long while. He didn’t bother trying to hide and when she finally sighed and nodded, he had no idea what she’d seen in his eyes.
”Fine,” she said curtly. ”Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”
”Yeah. That’ll be all, Miss Potts.”
He stood staring at the screwdriver for a long time after she was gone.
Saying the team turned from a selection of people for acquired tastes into a family was overkill but it got better. Baby steps, as they say, even though Tony had no idea who ’they’ were. They fought villains big and small, all the while trying to make the team work through combined decades of backstabbing, distrust, and paranoia. They had backslashes and screaming matches that slowly went from frigid hostility to more amicable ribbing and almost-good natured slaps on the backs. For the first time in…ever Tony felt like home.
The aforementioned they also said you should never meet your idols and that Tony could really get behind. Sadly, it wasn’t the only thing he would’ve gladly gotten behind of and wasn’t that just a joy.
Because when his daydreams turned from Captain America fucking him six ways from Sunday to Steve giving him a soft smile and handing him a cup of perfectly made coffee, Tony laughed until he felt half-delirious and then got immensely, raging drunk. It did nothing to his feelings, but at least his hammering hangover and overall misery distracted him from his true misery.
He’d done it again.
”Just kill me now,” he muttered.
”I’m sorry, Sir?”
Tony didn’t bother answering. He leaned his sweaty temple against the cool bathroom tile and closed his eyes.
Things would’ve been so much easier if he could’ve either a) avoided Steve or b) hated him, but alas. Under his stern Captain persona, Steve was a goofy nerd with a mischievous smile and an affinity to deadpan humor that somehow managed to strike even Maria Hill speechless on one, memorable occasion. He was unabashedly curious about the shiny new world he’d been thrown into and wrote things down into that cute outdated notebook of his.
Tony couldn’t stand it but he also couldn’t stay away.
Steve was like a bright flame and Tony was a moth without a homing beacon who thought the light was salvation when it only promised death and suffering.
”That doesn’t make any sense,” Rhodey said dryly. Tony didn’t need to look at his friend projected on the screen on his right to see Rhodey’s exasperated face. ”Have you thought about, I don’t know, talking to him?”
”Rhodey, I love you like a lost limb I didn’t know I needed—”
”Still not making any sense—”
”—but you clearly fail to see the point.”
”Which is?” Rhodey prompted after a moment.
Tony sighed and balled the schematic before throwing it into the trash folder across the room. The folder dinged and DUM-E let out a small beep of victory but he ignored it. ”Which is that he’s him and I’m me.”
Rhodey didn’t comment so when the silence stretched slightly too long, Tony finally turned to look at him and, yep, that was his I’m-very-disappointed-in-you-Tones face.
”I resent that statement,” Rhodey said with a sigh.
”Well, I resent your face,” Tony immediately quipped back. When Rhodey raised a brow, he deflated with a, ”No, I don’t.”
”I know,” Rhodey said mildly. He shook his head and leaned back in that hideous leather chair he’d denied Tony from getting rid of. ”I just don’t understand why you have to be so pigheaded about this. He’s an adult and so are you—although barely—and there’s no reason why you couldn’t just talk to him.”
”And say what? Hi, Steve, how’s the weather? Oh, and by the way, I think I’m in love with you?” He paused, blinked, and whirled around because he had a sudden feeling of someone standing behind him. When the space behind him was empty after all, he turned around, slightly sheepish, and pretended not to see Rhodey’s amusement.
”Not the words I’d choose but you do you.”
Tony rolled his eyes. ”Easy for you to say, Mr. Established Relationship.”
”This might come to you as a shock but I was nervous before asking Carol out,” Rhodey said. ”You should go for it. You might be pleasantly surprised.”
”What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony asked, but Rhodey just rolled his eyes and saluted him with a middle finger before ending the call.
”Rude,” Tony muttered. He bit his lip and, for a short moment, entertained the idea of listening to Rhodey’s advice.
And then he remembered what had happened with Pepper and buried himself back into his work.
”—well, if I had to choose… I think I’d choose Jeffrey Dean Morgan,” Tony heard Steve say as he wandered into the common room. He barely acknowledged the team sprawled on the massive couch and beelined to the coffee maker.
”Really?” Natasha asked. ”I would’ve thought someone like Matt Bomer might be more up to your alley.”
Tony’s sleep-deprived brain screeched to a halt. What?
Steve made a disagreeing noise. ”Nah… he’s too pretty and too young. I just like older men.” Steve paused. ”And JDM’s a bit rough around the edges which is also nice.”
Tony promptly tripped over his own feet, nearly falling over. He might have been able to walk it off but he managed to smack his face straight into the heavy-set cabinet, resulting in blinding pain and a sickening crunch.
”—ony? Tony! Are you alright?” he heard through throbbing agony and swirling colors that made him nauseous. Somehow, he’d ended up standing in front of a very concerned Steve who was cradling Tony’s face in his hands. His big, warm hands, his thumbs gently brushing Tony’s cheek—
”Your nose is bleeding,” Steve said. ”No, don’t lean your head back, you’ll just make your nose bleed into your mouth. Tip your head forward—oh, thanks, Tasha.”
Something cold pressed against Tony’s nose, mercifully hiding his flaming cheeks from view. The dull pain distracted him from Steve in front of him which was also nice.
”Why do you know so much about nosebleeds?” Tony asked, his voice nasal and muffled.
Steve shrugged and grinned. ”I used to get into a lot of fights and being smaller than anyone else… let’s just say that a month I didn’t break my nose was more of an exception than a common occurrence.” He lifted the cold compression—oh, so it was a bag of frozen lingonberries wrapped in a dishtowel—and frowned at Tony’s face. ”How did you manage to break your nose?”
”I’m a complicated man with many talents.”
Steve snorted and shook his head in fond exasperation. ”Yeah. Clearly.”
If this is all I’ll ever get, it’ll be enough, Tony thought, the feeling of Steve’s hand on his cheek branded to his mind.
He decided that if he repeated it often enough, he’ll eventually believe it.
Life went on as life tends to do. The Avengers lived together like a bunch of highly paranoid, dysfunctional people, they trained together, and bled together. They slowly learned each other’s ways and maybe, under certain circumstances, learned to trust each other.
Which, of course, was terrible because Tony had secrets and then he had Secrets, and letting himself be known was something he desperately wanted to avoid.
He should’ve known he never got what he wanted.
”Iron Man, don’t!” Steve yelled, his voice breaking in the comms.
”Sorry, Cap, no can do,” Tony answered. He ignored JARVIS’s distress and the way the whole right side of his HUD was lit in red blinking lights, overriding the safety measures with a cool sense of detachment. ”We both know I’m the only one who can make it in time—”
”You don’t have to—”
”—and if I push the suit a bit I can even squeeze in about two minutes to give a go at dismantling it,” Tony continued. ”And if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just shoot it in space,” he said with a nonchalance he didn’t feel. Flying a bomb into space? No biggie. He had nightmares about the last time only about three…and twenty times a week. One more trip should be too much of a hassle.
”Sir, Colonel Rhodes—” JARVIS started.
”Will have to wait,” Tony said.
”—is attempting override,” JARVIS finished.
”Well, override his override,” Tony said and then disconnected the comms. No point in getting distracted, he had work to do.
Sadly, the device was a lot more complicated than a mere ’bomb.’ If Tony had more time, he would’ve gleefully circled it to admire it from every angle, and meticulously taken notes on its design. Be as it may, he barely had 98 seconds to realize that nope, he was way over his head.
”Okay kids, seems like I’m heading upstairs,” he said cheerfully as he opened the group comm again, biting down bile and terror. ”Keep the lights on but don’t wait up.”
The cacophony that exploded in his ear made him wince and he cut the audio feed with a sigh. ”Just so you know, I can’t hear you so you can save your breaths.” He grunted as he yanked the device off the platform and shot up in the air. ”J, redirect all power to the boots,” he said and grunted when the armor sped up.
”Sir, Captain Rogers is pinging you.”
Tony closed his eyes. ”There’s no other way,” he said as a greeting. ”You know as well as I that if this goes off, it’ll kill millions. I can’t let that happen.”
”I know,” Steve said softly. He sounded on the verge of tears which was odd. ”I wish there was - - said ages ago - - ” His voice cut to static.
”You’re breaking up,” Tony said.
”- - Again - - Tony - -”
The suit started to freeze but Tony pushed on. He had to get higher, he had to get the thing out of the Earth’s atmosphere and to the range of JARVIS, already waiting with the SI satellites and ready to collect the poisonous gas into safety.
”- - ny?”
”Goodbye, Steve,” he said softly.
When the device went off, Tony was pushing back down with the last reserves of the rerouted energy of the frozen armor, away from it. It billowed in a soft cloud of sickly yellow, hardly moving in the vacuum of space. Behind it, the vast emptiness of the starlit space stretched across the skies and Tony was falling, falling, falling…
…into darkness.
He died and was sent to hell.
He was forced to live Afghanistan over and over again, being pushed under the water and yanked back again, and it burned it burned oh God it burned he couldn’t breathe
(Sir, calm down, you are safe!)
just let it stop please please let him die - -
- - It wasn’t Yinsen it was Natasha holding him but it didn’t make any sense because she hadn’t been there - -
- - Someone was speaking to him in a soft, hushed tone oh it was Rhodey he’d found him again
(Yeah, I’m here Tones, just rest now)
his personal savior his guardian angel - -
- - Too many people around him what did they want where was he was he being tortured
(No, Tony, you’re safe, it’s us, it’s Steve and Tasha and Rhodey and Pepper, shh, don’t…keep him still, he’s trying to rip the IV out again!)
he wouldn’t he wouldn’t not this time not ever not killing any more people - -
- - Burning up everywhere and it hurts hurts hurts his chest hurts why does it hurt he has no heart anymore
(Of course you have, you idiot now hush and let Steve sleep)
all he has left is a black hole no heart no heart - -
When Tony finally regained some modicum of consciousness, he regretted it instantly. His whole body ached and his chest hurt, and his effort to open his eyes was rewarded with what felt like someone driving ice picks into his brain through his eyes. He decided to keep his eyes firmly shut for the time being.
”Blrgh,” he said. His mouth was parched and tasted like ash and death which was probably fitting because he was supposed to be dead, after all.
”Welcome back,” someone whispered softly from his side and a moment later, a warm hand cupped his cheek. ”I’m going to dim the lights, okay?”
He heard light footsteps going further from him and then returning, and then the hand was back, now holding his. ”You can open your eyes now.”
He tried again and this time, it didn’t hurt nearly as much. He was in the Tower medical on his back in the new, fancy medical bed he’d modified just shy a couple of months ago. He turned his head and saw—
”Natasha?”
She was perched on the bed and still holding his hand, her eyes bright and relieved. It didn’t really make much sense to Tony because…it was Natasha. She didn’t do comforting, not to him.
”You really can’t do anything by halves, can you?” She asked softly and shook her head. ”You flew the device to space and even managed to back away but you’d already fried your suit and lost JARVIS. Good thing you went up above the Atlantic.”
He frowned. ”Huh?”
She cocked her head and her eyes flickered to the side once before coming back to Tony. ”You sank like a stone but you didn’t die. Steve was the one who retrieved you from the ocean.” She fell silent, contemplating, and when she continued, she seemed to choose her words carefully. ”Steve hates the Atlantic. To him, it means death and loss. He stayed in the water for over three hours until he finally found you. By then, your suit’s failsafes and emergency oxygen had failed and you were slowly drowning.
”You have several cracked ribs, a concussion, and severe pneumonia. You’ve been out for over a week. Apart from bathroom breaks, Steve hasn’t left your side.” She rose gracefully up, bent to kiss him on the cheek, and said, ”Just something you should think about.”
Tony was left alone with his confused thoughts, watching the sleeping Steve on the armchair on the other side of his bed.
Even though he had now woken up, Tony was far from okay. His near-drowning combined with his pre-existing heart problems and severe pneumonia had made him weak like a kitten and even though he was grudgingly allowed to sit up, he honestly wasn’t up for more. Even the slow, assisted effort of getting up and sitting on the edge of the bed left him dizzy and exhausted, gasping for breath his abused lungs weren’t that keen on providing. He was still hooked up on monitors and IV-lines (oh, and a catheter, yay…) but since all he managed was to sit up once a day, he begrudgingly admitted it was probably for the best.
Despite his exhaustion, he dreaded falling asleep. Apparently, nightmares about the yawning void of space weren’t enough; no, now he drowned every night, first falling up to the stars and then sinking into the blue that deepened into black, and when he fought to draw breath, he didn’t know if it was water or space filling up his lungs. Either way, he woke up shivering and gasping, almost out of his mind with fear. The only things that anchored him were JARVIS’s soothing voice and Steve’s steady presence by his bed.
Steve.
He mostly sat and either read or sketched or just sat there, silent and seemingly content. Sometimes he played chess with JARVIS. For the life of him, Tony couldn’t understand why he didn’t leave after he saw Tony was pulling through. He took it as yet another sign of his weak heart that, even though he knew he should, he just didn’t have it in him to tell Steve to leave.
Sometimes, he wondered if Steve was there to stay.
And sometimes, he wondered how much it would hurt when he finally left.
”You know, I once decided to wait for the perfect moment to act on my feelings,” Steve said quietly one morning with a faraway look in his eyes. ”That was stupid. There’s never a perfect moment for anything. There’s just a moment in time and you’ll have to take it.”
He turned to look at Tony, something immense and deep in his eyes. It scared the shit out of Tony and he averted his eyes, suddenly nauseous with nerves. The heart rate monitor sped up, erratic and frantic until it started to sound a shrill alarm. Tony expected the door to burst open any moment but when no-one entered, he frowned.
Steve rose from his chair and reached across the bed to punch the alarm silent. ”Better,” he said and sat back down.
The silence in the room was deafening. Tony was pretty sure he would’ve preferred the blaring monitor to this.
”You know, sometimes you can be really stupid,” Steve suddenly said in a huff. ”I first thought your complete lack of respect and inability to follow orders were your most annoying traits but it was wrong.”
Tony blinked. ”Wow. Tell me how you really feel,” he said flatly.
Steve gave him a pointed look. ”I’m trying,” he said. ”You do realize I’ve been trying to ask you out several times already?” When Tony didn’t answer, Steve rolled his eyes. ”Yeah, this is what I meant. Why is it so hard for you to believe I like you? Don’t,” he warned when Tony opened his mouth. ”I don’t want to hear quips or one of your famous Tony Stark lines. I don’t want to hear the genius-playboy-billionaire-philanthropist spiel. I want to hear you, Tony. Just you.”
Tony closed his eyes. ”No, you don’t,” he said.
”Don’t tell me what I do or do not want,” Steve shot back. ”You should know by now that I’m pretty damn stubborn and used to fight for what I feel is right.”
Tony barked a laugh that turned into a cough. ”And you think I am?” He asked with a sneer.
Steve set his jaw and gave him a steel-eyed glare. ”I know.” He said it with such conviction that Tony was momentarily struck speechless. Steve took advantage of his silence and barged on. ”You might be older than me and seen more than me, but don’t you think for a moment, Tony, that I don’t know what I’m getting into. I’ve seen you in your engineering binges and I’ve seen you after you’ve screamed yourself hoarse during your nightmares. I’ve witnessed you stripping down self-righteous, pompous asses who believe you’re nothing but a rich man playing with things, and I’ve seen you with kids who share your wide-eyed enthusiasm about all things shiny and new.
”Point is, I know you, Tony. And despite what you think, there’s nothing about you that will scare me away.” He paused and swallowed. ”But if you tell me to leave you alone, I will. Even if I don’t want to.”
And Gods, Tony wanted to tell him to go. He wanted to tell Steve to get the hell out and never offer himself to Tony again but he couldn’t. He was tired, bruised to the very soul and he just…couldn’t.
”You shouldn’t—” he muttered.
”Yes, I should,” Steve said fiercely. ”And I will.”
Tony couldn’t face the intensity in his eyes so he closed his eyes and turned his head a bit. Steve’s fingers twitched in his own, then stayed still; a warm, steady presence grounding him.
Just like Steve.
Something gave. Something crumbled under the care and Steve’s faith in him. He swallowed and slowly, hesitantly lifted their joined hands to his cheek.
”Oh, Tony,” Steve whispered.
A split second later, the bed dipped slightly as Steve’s weight settled carefully beside Tony. Then gentle fingers carded through his hair, a slow, repetitive motion that eased his heart and steadied his breathing.
”Try to get some sleep,” Steve said softly. ”I’ll keep watch.”
Tony was sure he couldn’t sleep while Steve was sitting beside him and petting his hair, but in mere moments, he slipped under. The last things he felt were Steve’s fingers gently wiping away the errant tear on his cheek and then his lips pressing a soft kiss on his temple.
When he slept, he didn’t dream of drowning.