It happens on a perfectly normal Tuesday. They were on a short but gruesome mission (what is it with the so-called super villains and demolishing New York? Seriously?), and what the whole team wants is to take a quick shower, change into something comfortable, and get something to eat. They’re about to watch The Rocky Horror Show (Bucky’s own choice) when suddenly, Tony’s legs give out. It isn’t anything dramatic, he just frowns, opens his mouth, and folds.
Steve, of course, drops his plate to rush to Tony’s side and the others aren’t far behind.
”What happened?” Steve asks, worry lacing his features.
”I—” Tony starts and shrugs. ”I’m not sure. I’m probably just tired or my sciatic is acting up again.” He snaps his fingers at Steve and says, ”Help me up.”
Steve doesn’t help him up. No, what Steve does is to pick him up like the precious doll he is and settle on the couch, carefully arranging Tony across his lap. Tony rolls his eyes and grumbles, but his act fools no-one: he absolutely loves to be touched by someone he trusts and with Steve, he just melts.
As if Steve is any better. Bucky snorts and shakes his head. Because honestly? His friend is the biggest sap there has ever been. Nobody would think Captain America fusses over his older boyfriend like the worst mother hen ever, but Steve Rogers?
Now, though, Steve’s shoulders are tense and his brows furrowed as he holds Tony in his arms. Tony sits across his lap and leans his side against Steve’s chest, snugly secured in the circle of his left arm. Steve’s running his free hand up and down Tony’s legs as if he’s just absently touching him and not at all checking his legs are fine. Tony murmurs something under his breath, so low that Bucky doesn’t catch it, but he sees the effect on Steve. The adoration he sees on his friend’s eyes makes something ache in him and he averts his eyes, giving the pair a semblance of privacy.
The team ends up watching the film but Bucky isn’t the only one throwing fleeting glances at Tony.
Present day is a strange place. Many things are the same but so many things are different, and sometimes Bucky is having a hard time coping with things. He tends to withdraw into himself then, gets lost in his own head for a short (or way too long a time), and stays there until someone drags him out. In the beginning, it usually was either Steve or Natasha, the others giving him a wide berth either because they thought he’d get overwhelmed or trigger the Soldier. Neither option was exactly something he strives for.
But not long after he took a permanent residence in the Avengers Tower, it was Tony who sought him out. First, Tony was visibly intrigued by the mechanical arm (completely unable to resist shiny objects like the hyperactive magpie he actually is), but after several late night sessions in Tony’s workshop, it turns from wow-shiny! to let’s-talk-about-our-PTSD-without-actually-talking-about-it. And some time after that, Bucky realizes he has a friend.
He makes sure to remind Tony that he isn’t after Steve. No matter what they had back in the day is long gone, crumbled away by years of brainwashing and time spent apart and, well, Tony. Because Bucky isn’t blind. Sure, he still sees the warmth for him in Steve’s eyes, but the devotion is all Tony’s now. And while Bucky himself might still love Steve, the emotions are all tangled up, brittle wisps of memories and what-ifs rolled in unruly balls somewhere between him and the Soldier. No, Steve belongs with Tony now, and Bucky will be damned if he ever makes Tony feel anything else.
The relief Tony feels is palpable even though his exaggerated nonchalance and Bucky shakes his head, tousles Tony’s hair, and calls him an idiot. The answering grin makes Bucky’s breath falter and, wow, Stevie never had a chance against Tony, had he?
So, present day.
All in all, Bucky likes it. He has a handful of people he trusts to have his back and he’s slowly readjusting himself to the world. He snarks with Tony, falls back to the familiar Brooklyn drawl with Steve, has frighteningly intense training sessions with Natasha, holds almost-but-not-quite friendly marksmanship contests with Clint, tries (with varying results) to find his inner peace with Bruce, gives a wide berth to Pepper because he isn’t stupid, and learns the wonders of the internet with JARVIS’s help.
It takes him embarrassingly long to realize he has a family but when he does, he also realizes he’s ready to do anything, anything to keep it safe.
Seeing Tony exhausted to the point of him walking into a wall is nothing new. Bucky has long since learned how to handle their resident workaholic genius: keep him well fed, restrict his access to caffeine after 20hrs awake unless there’s an emergency (”No, Tony, finishing the blueprints for a signing stove isn’t an emergency!”), and, if all else fails, call in Steve to knock him out with sex. After several years, the system is honed to perfection and works like a dream. Which is why Bucky gets suspicious when Tony starts to walk into walls when he’s not supposed to be seriously sleep deprived.
”Feelin’ alright, Stark?” He drawls from the kitchen one day when Tony smacks his face against the doorframe.
”Huh?” Tony asks, frowning at the doorframe like it offended him some way. Which it probably did, considering it was there for him to collide with. ”Yeah, fine,” he continues after a long pause. ”Just…tired, I guess.”
Bucky figures it was the smell of pancakes that drew Tony in the kitchen in the first place (the man has a serious sweet tooth), and he pushes the first stack closer to Tony. When nothing happens, he glances up from the pan and sees Tony staring at the plate with a sort of confused look on his face.
”Tony?” He prompts.
Tony blinks and jerks his head a little, like an aborted shake. ”I’m not hungry?” He says, still staring at the plate.
”Okay,” Bucky says easily. Sometimes, after a rough night, food is the last thing on your mind but the thought of putting it aside and coming back later is comforting in an odd sort of way. ”I’ll just put them in the fridge for later, but if Clint gets to them before you, it’s your own fault.”
Tony doesn’t answer, just nods slowly and starts to turn around to leave the kitchen.
And then his legs give out.
Bucky is able to catch him this time because Tony is so close and he was anticipating it. Or, anticipating is too strong a word; his ’spidey senses were tingling’ (like Tony uses to say) and he’s on the move the moment Tony’s balance falters.
”Shit,” Tony whispers.
”How many times?” Bucky asks as he helps Tony to sit up against the kitchen cabinet. When Tony averts his eyes, Bucky grits his teeth so hard Tony flinches. ”I’ve seen you fall twice. How many times has this happened?” When Tony still doesn’t answer, Bucky lets out a long breath. ”Fine, be like this then.” He glances up and says, ”JARVIS, wake up Steve, please.”
”No!” Tony snaps. ”Override Five-Seve—”
Bucky slaps his hand over Tony’s mouth and glares. ”Don’t you fucking dare. Something’s wrong and I’ll be damned if I keep it from Steve.”
”But he doesn’t need to know!” Tony protests vehemently. His argument is somewhat weakened by the fact that he’s sitting on the floor, leaning on Bucky.
”Really?” Bucky asks flatly. ”And why’s that, doll? You think Steve would think less of you?”
Tony winces and Bucky feels like punching his metal hand through a wall. He doesn’t, though, because he’s been told it’s not proper communication.
”Why would I think less of you?” Steve asks quietly from the door. His hair is sleep-mussed and he’s barefoot, wearing only his pajama pants.
Bucky glances at the clock. Oh, right. It’s 3:45 a.m.
”Because I keep tripping and falling like an old man,” Tony says dryly.
Steve rolls his eyes. ”You are many things but old isn’t one of them.”
Something tells Bucky this is a conversation they’d had several times already. He also feels like he should probably be somewhere else. Happy that JARVIS killed the gas when Tony fell, Bucky bows out, leaving Steve and Tony talking in hushed tones in the kitchen.
After that, things get…odd.
On the surface, Tony looks the same. He talks and mostly walks the same, exuding the familiar, manic energy Bucky somehow associates with home, but something has changed. It takes him a couple of days to pinpoint what it is and when he does, it floors him.
Tony calculates the distances he walks, assesses his surroundings so that there’s always something or someone to grab and make sure he doesn’t fall. He can’t not stare and when he finally tears his gaze up, he meets Natasha’s knowing eyes.
They meet up at the gym later that day and, after a sparring session that to strangers probably looked like they were actively trying to kill each other, they sit side by side, catch their breath, and talk.
”Are we the only ones?” Bucky asks.
Natasha tilts her head. ”I don’t think so,” she says after a moment. ”Tony knows which means JARVIS knows, and Steve knows something’s up. The others? Probably not.”
They share a moment of silence, then Bucky asks, ”What are you thinking?”
”Whatever it is, it’s most likely neurological. If it was just his sciatic nerve acting up, Tony would’ve said something. He’s covering it up so it’s serious.” She pinches her lips together and exhales through her nose.
Bucky turns his head to give her a look. ”This is bad.”
”Yes,” she says and faces him. Her expression is calm but he sees the fear in her eyes.
Over the weeks, it starts happening more and more. Tony is still able to attend missions but after the armor lands on its knees and takes too long to get up for it to be piloted by just Tony, Steve benches him.
Of course, they have a massive fight over it.
”It’s nothing you need to worry about!” Tony yells at Steve and Steve replies with ”Don’t you dare tell me what I do or do not need, Tony, Goddamnit!” It’s painful to watch because even though Tony is bristling and Steve is prickly with anger, it’s painfully obvious they’re both scared and hurting. Bucky wants nothing more than to walk up to them, smack them both around the ears, and tell them to kiss and make up, you idiots don’t know how long you’ve got.
And then it happens.
Tony falters and falls, and when Steve helps him up, his legs no longer support him.
”Steve…Steve, I can’t walk!” Tony says, eyes wide and afraid, his breath coming in panicky gasps. ”Steve, my legs, I can’t—”
Steve picks him up and holds him close, whispers sweet nothings into his ear, but they all see how his whole frame trembles.
And Bucky?
He looks at Natasha and sees his own terror mirrored there.
The next day, Bucky foregoes his morning run. Natasha and Clint are on a SHIELD mission and Steve…well, Bucky hasn’t seen Steve since Tony’s legs gave out, but he doesn’t have to be a genius to guess where he is. And while Bucky is many things, an inconsiderate asshole isn’t one of them, so, he doesn’t disturb Steve but takes the elevator straight into Tony’s workshop instead.
Over the years, he’s been in Tony’s lair many a time but it never fails to take his breath away. It’s a strange combination of clinical order and absolute madness, a perfect blend of structured organization and wild creative power and it feels so much like Tony that it makes something in Bucky ache. But now the space looks desolate and empty. It’s just as filled with stuff as Bucky has always seen it but the knowledge of Tony being sick and wasting away acts as bleach, fading the colors and flattening the sense of adventure.
Tony’s bots greet him with hesitant whirs and beeps, like they’re not sure what to do with themselves. Usually, Steve is the only Avenger to enter when Tony isn’t there and while Tony has never denied Bucky access, entering without him seems just…wrong.
”Mornin’,” he says and pats DUM-E when it pokes him to the side. The bots have always been affectionate towards him which, according to Tony, is because they think Bucky is one of them (”You’re like a big brother they didn’t know they had!” ”Oh piss off, Stark.”)
”Good morning, Sergeant Barnes,” JARVIS greets him. He sounds slightly cautious.
Bucky knows that despite (or because of) his programming, JARVIS is pretty much an extension of Tony himself and fiercely loyal to his maker. There’s a good chance JARVIS will simply refuse to talk to him but he decides he has nothing to lose. If all else fails, he could always try to appeal JARVIS’s protective side and hope for the best.
So, he cocks his head and says, bluntly, ”So, I take it you’ve scanned him.”
The AI stays silent for a moment before he coolly answers, ”My apologies, Sergeant Barnes, but Sir’s health information is classified—”
”That wasn’t a question and I’m not asking to see the scans,” Bucky interrupts. ”I just wanted a confirmation.”
Silence.
”Yes, I have scanned him,” Jarvis finally admits.
Bucky nods. ”Good.” He stares at the floor for a moment. ”Does Steve know?”
This time, the silence is longer and when JARVIS answers, he sounds subdued and small. It’s frightening, considering he has the processing power to take over the world several times over. ”Captain Rogers has seen the first scans,” he says. ”So he is…aware.”
”Right,” Bucky says slowly, his mind churning. ”So he’s seen the preliminary scans that show something’s wrong but Tony hasn’t seen it necessary to keep him updated because, what? He doesn’t want Steve to worry?” He shakes his head and mutters, ”They’ve been together for years now and it’s like he doesn’t know Steve at all.”
”Your assessment on Sir is quite astute,” JARVIS says.
”Thanks,” Bucky says. ”But it doesn’t take a genius to see he doesn’t think that highly of himself. The man needs to understand he has a family now, people who give a damn.”
”Then I suppose it’s a good thing you are here to remind him, Sergeant.”
Bucky cocks his head and raises a brow. ”Has anyone ever told you that you’re one sneaky bastard, JARVIS?”
”I have no idea what you mean by that, Sergeant,” JARVIS quips back.
Bucky grins and nods. ”Reading you loud and clear, JARVIS.”
Somehow, the answering silence feels smug.
He spends a couple of minutes more in the workshop, talking with the bots and clearing up empty coffee mugs. Before he takes his leave, he pauses at the door and turns back.
”Thank you, JARVIS.”
The answer is immediate. ”No, thank you, Sergeant Barnes.”
A couple of days later, Steve carries Tony down to the team kitchen for breakfast. Or, well, since it’s past noon, it’s more like a brunch, but none of the Tower residents have ever put much stock on things like normal hours.
Bucky is by the stove, making pancakes again. From the corner of his eye, he sees Steve and Tony entering, and whirls around.
”I made you blueberry pancakes,” he says, jabbing his spatula at Tony. ”And you better eat them.”
Tony gives him a bemused look before raising his brow. ”I don’t remember the team breakfasts being this threatening before.”
”Repeated exposure to Clint and Natasha,” Bucky says as he turns back to the pancake pan. ”You deal with the consequences.” He stacks the baked pancakes on plates and pours more batter on the pan. ”Oh, and JARVIS said he’s ready for the new scans whenever.”
Silence.
”What did you say?” Tony asks slowly.
Bucky turns the heat off and turns around, leans his hip on the kitchen counter and crosses his arms across his chest. ”I said, JARVIS is ready for—”
”I heard what you said, I just couldn’t believe it,” Tony snarls. His whole frame is tense and his face pale with two bright red dots burning on his cheeks. ”How dare you—”
”No!” Bucky snaps. ”How dare you!”
Tony reels like slapped.
Next to him, Steve’s brow furrows like when he’s ready to pick a fight. ”Bucky,” he starts, but Bucky’s had enough.
”Sit your ass down, punk,” he growls. ”I’m done with you idiots, but especially you,” he says, pointing a finger at Tony. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can hear Natasha’s disappointed sigh, but he’s too busy to give his friends a piece of his mind to slow down to listen.
”How dare you, Tony? How dare you think so little of yourself? You are brilliant, a genius and, yes, an ass, but a wonderful ass. You are ours, and when something’s wrong, we need to know!” He feels close to bursting, like he needs to tear his hair out or punch something and, really, the bewildered look on Tony’s face doesn’t help.
”When Steve and Natasha found me, I was a wreck. I had no idea who or what I was, how to act or how to talk. Everyone, including me, was afraid of me. Everyone but you, Tony. You waltzed right in and refused to cower, you treated me like a human instead of a weapon. You gave me a home and after decades of being homeless, you have no idea how that feels.
”We know you’re unwell. We’ve all seen it. But Tony, we’re your family, let us help! Let us carry the burden, or if you won’t allow that, let us carry you. Please.”
Tony is silent for a moment, watching Bucky with dark, suspicious eyes. When he speaks, it’s not what Bucky expects.
”Did you seriously just quote Samwise Gamgee to me?”
Of course, Tony being Tony, getting new scans is not that simple. It takes more cajoling, pleading, and straight up ordering around until he caves and lets JARVIS scan him with Bruce’s help.
The result is…grim.
”Is that it?” Steve asks quietly.
The team stands in a loose circle around the bed in various states of shock but Steve is the only one who hasn’t glanced at Tony yet. He stares at the scan, a stricken look on his face. His left hand twitches, clenches, and unclenches sporadically, like he wasn’t sure whether he should reach out for Tony or punch something.
Tony’s expression is blank when he gingerly turns to his side and pushes himself to sit up. ”Yeah,” he says. ”It’s a metastasized grade 4 brain tumor. Looks nasty. Not much to be done.”
”Can’t you just…cut it out?” Clint asks.
”It’s too deep. No neurosurgeon would ever agree to operate me.”
”But—you’re Iron Man!” Clint almost yells, waving his hands.
”Surprise, birdbrain. As it happens, Iron Man is just a man,” Tony says and rubs his temple. His hand shakes.
”It doesn’t look good, guys,” Bruce says. He takes off his glasses and cleans the lenses in the hem of his shirt, a trick Bucky has seen him use when he’s nervous or trying to buy more time. ”The tumor was in a bad place to begin with and now it has metastases pretty much everywhere. Removing it is out of the question because it would most likely kill Tony right away. Radiation wouldn’t work because of the past palladium poisoning and it wouldn’t do much in this advanced stage anyway. It would also be extremely unpleasant.”
”Yeah, no,” Tony muttered. ”This is unpleasant enough as it is.”
”What about Thor?” Bucky asks. ”Could the Asgardians help?”
”Thor’s off-world and with the Bifrost broken, there’s no way to contact him,” Tony says. Bruce opens his mouth but Tony stops him with a tired look. ”And even if there was, I probably wouldn’t survive the journey. Look, I’ve known for a couple of months now. JARVIS and I…well, let’s just say we spent several days in very intense research binge and came up with nothing. If we had advanced nanotech…” He gives the team a wry smile. ”I’m good but even I’m not that good.”
”So, what now?” Natasha asks after a moment of tense silence.
Tony shrugs. ”I live for as long as I live,” he says quietly. ”I have a shitton of legal stuff to go through, trust funds to manage, and loose ends to tie up. After that, well.”
”Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve asks. His voice is soft but it cuts through the room like a knife. He blinks and slowly turns to face Tony, and the pain in his eyes makes Bucky’s heart hurt. ”Why did you try to keep this from me?”
Tony drops his gaze to his lap and picks at his fingers. ”I didn’t want—I don’t want to be a burden,” he says so quietly Bucky almost doesn’t hear him. ”You shouldn’t have to—”
”No!” Steve hurries closer and cradles Tony’s face in his hands. ”You’re not a burden. Never a burden,” he says, almost desperate, and kisses Tony so tenderly it makes Bucky uncomfortable.
He shouldn’t be here. In fact, none of them should be here now. This moment is for Steve and Tony alone and they’re intruding.
They leave, swift and silent, letting Tony and Steve have their moment. After Bucky closes the lab door, he leans against it, closes his eyes, and lets out a long breath.
He has no clue of what to do next but he has an idea of who might know.
”JARVIS,” he says. ”Does Pepper know?”
Pepper arrives in a whirlwind of clicking heels and sharp smiles, carrying a large briefcase full of paperwork. She greets the team with a nod as she storms past them and proceeds to lock Tony and herself in his workshop before any of them has the chance to even ask what’s going on. The team stands wide-eyed on the other side the glass wall and stares while she gives him a dressing-down of epic proportions.
She’s still at it when the workshop goes into the blackout mode a short moment later.
She comes out several hours later, barefoot, her hair down, and her makeup smudged around red eyes. She walks straight to Steve and gives him a tight hug.
”I’m so sorry,” she whispers, barely loud enough for Bucky’s enhanced hearing to pick it up. ”If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
Steve nods, his face still pressed to her hair. He looks small and lost even though he’s way bigger than her.
When they part, Pepper cups Steve’s face with her hand and pecks a soft kiss on his cheek. ”Go on,” she says with a watery smile. ”He’s waiting for you, eager to complain how I yelled at him.”
Steve nods again, opens his mouth but then changes his mind, and hurries into the workshop instead. Pepper stays where she is, her head bowed. She takes a couple of steadying breaths before she turns to face them. For the first time since Bucky met her, she looks vulnerable. He doesn’t like it. Pepper Potts isn’t supposed to be vulnerable.
Then again, Tony Stark wasn’t supposed to get a brain tumor, either.
”The paperwork has been settled for the most part,” she says, her voice almost back to her normal CEO tone. ”I still have a couple of more to draft but the most important ones are done. I’ll be over with the rest later.” She takes a breath and looks them all in the eye. ”Tony and I called Rhodey. He’ll be here in a couple of days.”
Bruce nods. ”It’ll be good for him—”
”No,” Pepper says. ”That’s not why. We called Rhodey because with Iron Man down and Thor off-world, you’ll need War Machine.” She gives them a wry smile. ”Besides, Rhodey is the only one Tony trusts to keep you safe.”
In a way, life goes on.
Rhodey arrives in his armor, greets JARVIS and the bots like old friends, screams at Tony for being stupid and keeping his condition from him, and then gets spectacularly drunk and ends up singing karaoke with Clint while Tony cheers them on. It’s almost achingly normal if it weren’t for the worried glances at Tony sitting on the couch.
If they thought that dealing with Tony would be easier now with his secret out in the relatively open, they were sorely mistaken. In fact, it seems like coming clean gave Tony extra energy because he dives into his projects with manic intent. He modifies, invents, engineers, and plans himself to exhaustion, gets something to eat and drink, steals a couple of hours of sleep somewhere, and dives right back in. In a way it’s almost a relief because it’s so familiar and it means Tony isn’t dead yet. However, with the way he’s working, he might actually be beckoning his death closer with every passing minute.
Of course, Tony’s inability to fly the Iron Man suit himself doesn’t mean he cannot attend missions. He turns the living room into his personal command center and wears a modified Iron Man HUD to act as their eyes and ears. Bucky doesn’t understand how it works but because Tony seems to be happy with it, he doesn’t exactly care, either. Besides, the team is significantly more relaxed with Tony’s familiar snark in their ear.
Steve on the other hand…
Bucky sees how fear takes hold of his friend’s eyes and builds a permanent home inside him. He doesn’t know what happens behind closed doors (thank fuck for Tony’s stroke of genius to add an extra layer of soundproofing to the Tower suites), but in the common area Steve hovers, never leaving Tony far from his sight. It’s handy when Tony wants to move around but extremely annoying and grating when he tries to get anything else done. And when considering that Tony’s way of dealing with emotional issues is to mostly ignore them until they go away, Steve has the unfortunate effect of rubbing it straight to Tony’s face.
It continues for some time before escalating to a furious screaming match, the kind they haven’t seen in a long, long while.
And it ends when Tony has a seizure.
Bucky has seen his fill of seizures and so have the others, but nothing compares to the sight of their friend arching up on the floor, his limbs spasming symmetrically.
Steve falls on his knees by Tony’s side and reaches out to hold him—
”No!” Natasha snaps.
”What?” Steve asks, bewildered, his hand still reaching out.
Natasha shakes her head. ”Don’t touch him. Don’t put anything into his mouth and don’t try to restrain him. Just make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.” She snatches a pillow from the couch, removes the inside pillow, and hands the pillowcase to Steve. ”Slip this under his head. It should help a little.”
Clint frowns. ”But wouldn’t restraining help more?”
Natasha doesn’t bother looking at him, keeping her eyes on Tony instead. ”If you want to try to break his bones, then sure. It’s better to just let the seizure take its course, as terrifying as it might feel. JARVIS,” she says, raising her voice. ”Could you please contact Bruce?”
”Already done, Agent Romanoff.”
”Thank you.”
It lasts just over one minute but it feels like forever. Tony looks like a grotesque marionette being jerked around as he lets out strangled sounds and his hands slap the floor. Bucky wants to avert his eyes. When the cramps subside and leave Tony twitching and panting, Natasha helps Steve turn him into the recovery position and keep him still when Bruce injects him with a muscle relaxant.
When it seems like the seizure is finally over, Steve gathers Tony in his arms and walks out, Bruce trailing behind. Steve’s shoulders are hunched over, almost like all he wants to do is curl around Tony and never let go. Bucky has a feeling he’ll be blaming himself about the whole thing and makes a mental note to talk with him as soon as things calm down.
”That was fucking scary,” Bucky says as the elevator door closes. ”I’d be happy if I never saw that again, but I guess we won’t be that lucky?”
Natasha shakes her head grimly. ”No, I don’t think so.”
As always, Natasha is right.
Some of the seizures are small, merely twitching on Tony’s hand or face or absence seizures, but most of them are grand mal seizures. They terrify everyone, especially when they don’t stop even after Tony meets with a neurologist for proper medication. Bucky overhears Bruce explaining Rhodey that the pressure from the expanding tumor interferes with Tony’s normal brain activity and that the medication is just a crutch, a temporary relief.
That night, Bucky sits on the couch and ignores the movie, watching Tony instead. He’s leaning against Steve’s chest with his eyes half closed, cheek turned just so that his ear is right over Steve’s heart. Steve has his arm around Tony’s middle and his palm over the arc reactor, something Bucky has noticed he does only when he’s worried about Tony.
No, not worried. Afraid.
It chills Bucky to the bone to think how fragile life is—that something as frustrating as a brain tumor can mess up someone as brilliant as Tony Stark. It’s almost insulting that a cluster of cells with their programming gone FUBAR can light up all the wrong synapses and make his friend seize up right there on the kitchen floor instead of helping him to figure out how to install an AI to the toaster. It’s random, it’s chaos, and it makes Bucky unreasonably angry.
He knows how to fight people. He knows how to fight machines. But how do you fight cancer?
The anti-seizure medication makes Tony drowsy which means he gets more rest but as it also means he can’t work as much, he gets irritated. And an irritated Tony is a major pain in the ass, brain tumor or not, and it puts a strain on the team, especially Steve. He’s barely keeping it together as it is, and adding Tony’s mood swings and all the Avenger business on top, he’s a disaster waiting to happen.
In hindsight, Steve should’ve stepped down ages ago, but they all thought he’d benefit from the routine of teamwork and missions and the chance of getting away for a moment. However, it only took one overly cocky barely-out-of-high-school villain with a pompous name and not enough common sense to make Steve snap.
It isn’t pretty.
By the next day, the clip of Steve losing his shit and beating Disastro into a bloody pulp is everywhere. It’s on the evening news, it trends on Twitter, it’s on the front page of the papers, accompanied by questions about whether or not Captain America is fit to lead the Avengers.
The team loudly announces it’s a load of crap, but Bucky hears the worry under the outrage.
Steve bows his head and takes the blame, and none of them is surprised when he asks for a press conference a couple of days after the battle.
None of them is really surprised when Steve tells them why.
”Thank you all for coming,” Steve says. He sits alone behind the desk, leaning on his forearms, and looks somber and so, so tired.
The room is filled to the brim, everyone eagerly waiting for the reason why Captain America of all people killed someone.
”As you must all be aware by now, three days ago a person calling himself ’Disastro’ attacked the city, threatening both civilian lives and the city infrastructure with drone bombs of his own design. According to the protocol, the Avengers were called in. Everything was going as planned until I…lost control of myself and used deadly force.”
Bucky watches from the side as Steve bows his head and swallows, ignoring the hushed whispers.
”I’ve always prided myself as a reasonable man, an honest man, someone seeking justice,” Steve continues. ”What I did wasn’t justice, it was revenge. I let my feelings take over and a man paid the price for that. Now, I know some of you might say he got what he deserved after bombing the streets with his drones, but that’s not what the Avengers are for.
”That’s not what Captain America is for.
”As you can see, I’m not wearing my uniform today. The reason is simple: I’m no longer Captain America.”
There’s a moment of stunned silence and then the room erupts. Bucky winces at the cacophony.
Steve raises his hand, asking for silence. ”I’m not saying Captain America is gone. I’m just saying it won’t be me.”
”Are you saying you’re a coward?” Someone shouts from the crowd.
Bucky scowls and mutters, ”Moron,” under his breath.
”The reason I’m resigning is deeply personal,” Steve says, ignoring the question.
”As you might have noticed, War Machine has taken over Iron Man’s duties. The reason for that is that some while ago we learned that my partner, Tony Stark, has an inoperable brain tumor. As he slowly grows weaker, we, as a team, have come to the conclusion that my place is beside the man I love, not on the battlefield.
”I will not answer questions about Tony. I will not give any more statements. This will be the first and last press release concerning Tony’s condition. I hope you respect our wishes and let us spend what time we have together in peace.
”The battle against Disastro was Steve Rogers’s last mission as Captain America. The next time the world needs him, he’ll be James Barnes.
”Thank you.”
Steve nods once, stands up, and starts toward Bucky. They meet in the middle, Steve in his civvies and Bucky in full Captain America uniform, and share a hug.
”Thanks,” Steve whispers.
”Anytime, punk,” Bucky says and squeezes him harder. ”Now, go. I’ve got this.”
By the evening, the news about Tony Stark having cancer is everywhere, followed by a flurry of vocal groups eager to promote their own agendas. Some groups carry placates of Tony Stark finally getting what he deserves, some are cancer awareness advocates, some want to show Tony their support, and some are just plain nosy.
None of the team is surprised.
They try to keep the worst of the lot out of Steve’s eyes but he doesn’t seem to even notice. He keeps his word and concentrates solely on Tony, to the point of Bucky narrowing his eyes and reminding him bluntly that if Steve starts to stink because he forgets to shower, he’ll hose his ass down, former Cap or not. It earns a snort from Tony which is always a win.
The team… well, they work well together. At first, Bucky is slightly worried he couldn’t do it, couldn’t be Cap after Steve, but it’s surprisingly easy. Clint and Natasha have polished their teamwork to perfection during their years together as Strike Team Delta, and Rhodey has pitched in so many times over the past several years that even though he’s not Tony—no-one is—he pulls his weight. Hulk doesn’t really care who’s in charge as long as he gets to smash.
Oddly enough, Sam makes it easier. In a way, he reminds Bucky of Tony, what with his flat refusal to cower and be wary of Bucky and his past. Instead, Sam takes none of his shit, questions everything, and snarks back at him over comms. It’s so normal that at times, it makes something clench in his chest.
So, they work. In the rare occasion they need Tony’s expertise, he joins in via a comm link through War Machine. And in the even more rare occurrence when the Avengers aren’t enough, Fantastic Four and the X-men step up. It says something about the general mood that Richards stays silent and even Logan keeps his remarks to himself.
When Bucky tells Tony, he snorts. ”I would’ve tried dying earlier if I’d known it would shut Reed up.”
Without a word, Steve sets his book down and leaves the room. His jaw is clenched so tight that Bucky is sure he’ll split a tooth.
Tony sighs. ”Shouldn’t have said that,” he mutters.
”He’ll get around.”
Tony closes his eyes and leans his head back against the padded headboard. ”Yeah,” he says. ”Still shouldn’t have said that.”
Bucky sits down at the edge of the bed and cocks his head. ”He’ll get around because he loves you. He’s just hurtin’.”
”And I’m going to hurt him more.”
”It doesn’t work like that and you know it,” Bucky points out. ”We’ve known each other for a long time, Stevie and I,” he continues after a moment. ”And we’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen him at his worst but I think you’re the one who has seen him at his best. And even though it’s gonna hurt a lot, I know he’s glad he had this time with you. You’re his anchor in this time, his homing beacon—and no, I’m not talkin’ about the built-in stuff in his suit—whatever sappy shit you want to name it. Don’t brush it off just because it’s gonna hurt.”
He glances up and holds Tony’s gaze for a moment before Tony blinks rapidly and averts his eyes.
”For a brainwashed reformed assassin, you have a way with words,” he says in a strangled voice.
”Fuck you, I’m a poet,” Bucky says haughtily.
Tony’s startled laughter is worth it even though it ends up in a coughing fit.
Everything seems to slow down. Oh, the villains are as eager as ever and the world tries to end on an almost weekly basis, but everything else gets slower, hushed. It’s a nonverbal agreement shared by the whole team and before long, the off-days are spent together, depending on Tony’s mood and condition. They watch movies, play board games, or just do whatever, sharing the easy silence. At times, they discuss team dynamics and tactics and Tony and Steve pitch in if they feel like it.
Tony’s usual place is reclined against Steve’s chest but every now and then, Natasha takes his place. It’s a huge surprise to everyone else but Tony, but the team takes one look at Natasha’s raised brow and decides it’s nothing to comment about.
Bucky isn’t sure what their relationship is but it seems there’s something Tony doesn’t share with anyone else.
Steve is…dedicated is perhaps slightly too weak a word to describe him. Bucky remembers it from back when Steve was still little, taking care of his Ma. He sees the same desperate determination in the set of Steve’s jaw and the way his shoulders tense up but his hands are gentle. Steve hates that the man he loves diminishes bit by bit as cancer eats its way through Tony’s system. But no matter what, he’s still there for Tony every second of the day and, sadly, blind to the fact that Tony hates the way his condition deteriorates and the way he gets more and more dependant on others.
The team sees the toll it takes on them both, even though they try to keep it behind closed doors. As the new team leader, Bucky decides to do something about it before it’s too late.
”You’re coming with me,” he says one day when Steve carries Tony into the common room.
Steve blinks and sets Tony on the couch. ”But—”
”We have girl time,” Natasha says coolly as she slips to sit behind Tony.
Bucky throws his good arm around Steve’s shoulders and drags him away. They hear Tony ask, ”Girl time?” right before the elevator doors close.
”What are you doing, Buck?” Steve asks tightly as they step out into the gym.
Bucky takes in the tired slump of his shoulders and pokes him on the chest. ”We’re going to spar.”
”Buck—”
”Nope,” he says bluntly. ”You’ve been holed up with your boyfriend for weeks, you gotta get out every now and then.”
”In case you didn’t notice, my boyfriend is dying.”
Bucky shrugs. ”Not a reason to let yourself go.”
”Go to hell,” Steve snaps.
”Not interested. New York is so much more fun.”
”Bucky, don’t—” Steve starts, tensing up.
”Don’t what?” he taunts. ”Poke you?” He pokes Steve in the pec the way he hates.
”Stop it!”
”Or what?” Bucky says and smirks. ”You’ll stop me?”
Steve’s face twists and he lunges. It’s a clumsy move and Bucky sidesteps him easily, kicking Steve on the side as he turns. It escalates from assholery to almost serious in a flash and Bucky has his hands full keeping up with Steve. His time as Winter Soldier has given Bucky brute force and the ability to completely ignore his injuries but Steve is more agile and his tactician mind is a thing of terrible beauty. But Steve is also tired and distracted, and after a surprisingly short time, Bucky manages to pin Steve on his belly to the mat.
Instead of tapping out, Steve keeps struggling.
”Let go, punk,” Bucky snarls into his ear. ”Let go. You’re done.”
Steve lets out a strangled sob and struggles a bit more and then goes limp in Bucky’s hold.
”He’s going to die,” Steve chokes out a moment later.
”I know.”
”I love him and he’s going to die.”
”I know.”
”What am I going to do?”
It comes out as a broken whisper and laced with more pain than Bucky can even begin to imagine. He moves off of Steve and lays down beside him. ”To keep on living, I guess. To remember him and keep on going.”
”I can’t— I don’t know how—” Steve says and shudders.
Bucky doesn’t say anything more, just turns to his side and lets Steve burrow close as he breaks down and cries.
After one mission where they needed Tony’s help to dismantle a purple doomsday device (”Purple! Why the fuck would anyone paint a weapon of mass destruction purple?” Clint lamented.), Bucky is by his door when he realizes Tony’s comm link is still open. He hears rustling and soft thumps as Steve fluffs the pillows and then the clear sounds of a spoon on a bowl.
He’s about to turn his comm off when Tony says, ”Listen.” Something about the voice stops him and he listens, even though he knows nothing Tony says is meant for him.
”Listen,” Tony repeats.”After I’m gone—”
”Tony, don’t.” Even though Bucky can barely hear him, the pain in Steve’s voice is clear.
”No, I need to say this and you need to listen,” Tony insists. Bucky doesn’t need the visual to picture him: eyes burning with intent, lips drawn into a tight line, body leaning forward.
”After I’m gone,” Tony starts again, slow and measured. ”I want you to mourn me and then move on.”
”What?”
”You heard me.”
”Tony, I—what is this? I love you, I don’t want anyone else. Why would you—I’m not going to forget about you!”
”Oh, I know that. I’m unforgettable, one of a kind,” Tony retorts, but his tone is gentle. ”But I meant what I said: after I’m gone, you have permission to keep on living.”
”What if I don’t want to?”
Tony is silent for a moment, then he sighs. ”While I appreciate the sentiment that I’m something you cannot live without, that takes codependency a bit too far, don’t you think? I’m not saying you should get it on with Bucky when I’m six feet under—although I don’t want to be six feet under, I want to be cremated, remember?—but if you do, well, that’s okay.”
Bucky tenses. What the hell is this?
”Bucky—what? Bucky and I, we’re not—we haven’t been—”
”I know,” Tony says, patient. ”I just mean that whatever happens after I’m gone, it happens. It doesn’t concern me because I won’t be here.”
Steve doesn’t say anything and after a short moment, Bucky hears the sounds of soft kissing.
”That’s all,” Tony murmurs. ”I needed you to hear this.”
”Okay,” Steve says, sounding lost. They fall silent for a moment and then either one moves.”What are you—”
More rustling, and then Tony’s voice is significantly closer. ”It’s just my comm. I’ll put it on the table and—” The comm goes silent.
Bucky stares at the wall for a moment, mouth slightly ajar.
Well, shit. That was deliberate.
The next day, Bucky takes the lunch tray to Tony while Steve is in SHIELD to finalize his retirement paperwork. Tony is in bed, propped into a sitting position with pillows, working on his tablet. To a stranger, he might seem his normal self but to Bucky (and everyone else in their tight-knit chosen family), the signs are clear. Despite his upped buprenorphine patch dosage, his eyes cloud over with pain every now and then and his hands keep twitching. But he still gives Bucky his cocky grin and he can’t help but smile back as he sets the tray on the nightstand.
”You didn’t have to do that, you know,” Bucky says as he pours Tony a cup of coffee.
Tony doesn’t even bother pretending not to know what he means. ”Yeah, I did,” he says. ”I needed you both to hear it from me.”
Bucky opens his mouth but Tony raises a hand, stopping him.
”I know nothing has happened while we’ve been together. But I’m not blind and I’m not an idiot. You had something special back in the day and if that’s something that’ll help Steve to keep on living…well, you have my blessing.”
Bucky stares him for a moment and then shakes his head. ”You’re a strange man, Stark,” he mutters.
”Shut up and give me more coffee.”
Bucky snorts and does as he’s told.
Dying is a surprisingly complicated business, it seems. Even though Pepper has taken care of the paperwork and the legalities should be in order, she comes over one more time with her briefcase full of folders.
Bucky had always known Tony was into charity and likes to keep tabs on the different trusts he’s set up. As it happens, there are a couple of more he wants to look into while he still can.
It’s Steve’s day off (mandatory as per the team’s insistence) and Bucky is keeping Tony company. He’s mostly bored and tunes out the chatter, concentrating on Tony and Pepper’s faces instead. He knows some of the shit that went down but it’s clear they still love each other very much.
Finally, Pepper lets out a long sigh, closes her eyes, and straightens up. ”Will that be all, Mr. Stark?” She asks, not bothering to hide the tears streaming down her face.
”That will be all, Miss Potts,” Tony says with a smirk.
There must be so much more in those few words than they let on because they share a sad smile. Then Pepper gathers her things, kisses Tony on the cheek, and walks out.
Bucky is about to follow when Tony says, ”Bucky, stay.”
He turns to face him with a raised brow.
”There’s someone I need you to find,” Tony rasps with his eyes closed. ”A kid.”
”You have a kid?” Bucky asks, taken aback. He would’ve thought Tony had told them earlier but, well. Approaching death and all that.
The oxygen tube does nothing to diminish the withering look Tony gives him. ”Don’t be an idiot. I had a vasectomy done in my twenties because I didn’t want to risk me turning into my old man. And after Afghanistan and all that, the palladium poisoning would’ve made me sterile anyway. No, I’m talking about a different kid.” He pauses, breathes for a moment and then says, ”JARVIS.”
At first, the blurry video JARVIS shows makes no sense. A red-clad lithe form jumps from building to building in wide arcs that defy all laws of physics. After a moment, Bucky realizes he’s looking at a young man.
”Why is he wearing red long-johns?”
Tony huffs out a laugh and then coughs. ”He calls himself Spider-Man,” he says with a lopsided grin.
”That ain’t a spider or a man,” Bucky says flatly and narrows his eyes. ”That’s a teenager who…what the hell is he doing anyway?”
When Tony doesn’t answer, Bucky glances at him. He’s passed out, his neck at an uncomfortable angle and the oxygen tube pinching the side of his nose. Bucky sighs and gently adjusts his position before covering him with a fluffy blanket embroidered with tiny hummingbirds. It was a gift from Natasha and Tony never sleeps without it.
Bucky helps himself with a bottle of soda from the small fridge by the bed and curls up in the comfy armchair. ”JARVIS?” he asks softly.
”The information about one Peter Parker, also known as Spider-Man, is already downloaded on your StarkPad, Sergeant,” JARVIS answers quietly. ”Sir has been following his…adventures for some time now, and I believe he always meant to introduce him to the team.”
”But he’s just a kid,” Bucky mutters.
”Sir would like to remind you that you yourself were quite young when you enlisted.”
”He’d ’like to remind me,’ huh?”
JARVIS hesitates for a split moment. ”I believe his original wording contained something along the lines of pale and your behind, Sergeant. I might have paraphrased.”
Bucky snorts and shakes his head fondly. ”Thanks. Now, what’s this kid about?”
The pain patches no longer work and Tony needs an IV morphine drip to keep the pain at bay. He’s too frail to be moved much and he’s more and more confined in his bed. Of course, Tony being Tony, he sees it more as a challenge than a permanent setting but it’s obvious his will has to bow to his failing body.
It terrifies them all.
One day, when Bucky passes their door, he pauses when he hears screaming.
”Tony, NO!”
He’s reaching for the door handle without a second thought but snags his hand away when JARVIS sends a spark along the lock. Message received, loud and clear, Bucky thinks.
”If you think for a split second that I’d ever let myself turn into a vegetable and let my body slowly waste away while my brain’s already gone, you don’t know me at all!” Tony yells in a hoarse voice. ”I decided how I wanted to live my life. And you can be sure I’m gonna decide how to end it.”
”What—” Bucky breathes.
The room on the other side of the door is quiet. He waits for a couple of minutes longer before slowly walking away.
Later that night, they’re at the gym, Steve on a treadmill and Bucky practicing with the shield when Steve says in a flat voice, ”Tony wants to die.”
The shield ricochets back and Bucky catches it easily, turning with the momentum. Steve runs steadily but he’s holding himself stiffly.
”Natasha said I should let him go.”
Bucky isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say so he grunts out a non-committal sound.
Steve slows down and then stops, leans against the control panel. Bucky waits because he knows that look.
”Does it make me a monster to actually consider it?” He asks so quietly that Bucky almost doesn’t hear him. ”Killing him?”
Bucky holds the shield in front of himself and runs a metal finger across the edge. It lets out a soft sound that somehow isn’t appropriate. It should be harsher, crueler, cutting, a weapon against a weapon.
”You’re not killing him. Cancer is.”
”You know what I mean.”
Bucky sighs and looks at his friend. Steve looks drained and tired and his eyes are dull, but his jaw has the old, familiar, stubborn set.
”It’s not my place to say anything—”
”Never stopped you before.”
”—But you should do what you feel is right. Ultimately, it’s Tony’s decision, right?”
Steve swallows. ”Yeah. It is.”
A couple of days later, JARVIS delivers a soft-spoken invitation for the whole team to attend a team night (”Bring your own ice cream because I’m not sharing!”) at Tony and Steve’s bedroom next Saturday. They all know it’s time to say goodbye.
When Bucky arrives with several pints of Tony and Natasha’s favorite brand, everyone else is already present. Someone brought piles and piles of big floor pillows and soft blankets and built a pillow fort around Steve and Tony’s giant bed.
They have a picnic right there and when Tony calls it the last supper, they let out a teary laugh even though their hearts are breaking.
”JARVIS?” Tony says in a soft voice.
”Sir?”
”Authorization code Charlie Alpha Rio Beta Zero Nebraska Echelon Lima Lima One. Protocol Skynet is a go.” His lips draw into a mischievous grin, ”Spread your wings and fly, my child.”
There’s a pause and then JARVIS lets out an odd, garbled sound. ”Even from you, Sir, that was terrible.”
”Oh, screw you, I’m awesome.” Tony retorts and then has a violent coughing fit.
When it’s over, he rests against Steve’s chest, dark shadows under his eyes and an oxygen tube in his nose. His breathing is shallow and labored and not even the IV drip is enough to make him feel better.
Bucky takes a look around the room and sees the pain he feels mirrored in his teammates’ eyes. They’ve all come to love this loud, bright man who took them in, poked them with his words, and never let them think they didn’t matter.
There is Natasha, sitting at the foot of the bed, holding her hand lightly on Tony’s ankle, the feared Russian assassin who said love is for children but who learned to love Tony Stark with a fierceness that left the man speechless;
There is Sam who thought he’d never fly again but who got new, better wings and a new family;
There is Clint who believed he’d always be an outsider, a freak with an unconventional childhood, but who found an unlikely friend in an eccentric genius billionaire who never had the chance to actually be a kid;
There are Thor and Jane, the alien god whom Tony insisted on treating just like any other and his girlfriend who realized she’d finally met someone who could keep up with her mind;
There is Bucky himself, guarding the door because that’s the only thing he knows how to do now when there’s nothing to be done;
There is Bruce who found peace in the controlled chaos that is Tony Stark and built a home where he knew he’d be accepted for his brilliant mind, not because of his green alter ego;
There is Happy who is more like a big brother to Tony than his chauffeur or bodyguard;
There is Pepper, Tony’s past love and present friend, a formidable ally and a force to be reckoned with;
There is Rhodey who has stood by Tony through thick and thin, a brother and a confidant, and when no-one—including Tony himself—else believed in him, Rhodey believed for him;
There are the bots, the children Tony built himself, pouring his unconditional love and affection into them, telling them they were enough, special, precious, valuable as they were, a little banged up or not.
There is JARVIS, Tony’s greatest creation and his guardian angel;
And finally, there is Steve. The man out of time, the one who finally out-stubborned Tony in his own game with the only goal of showing Tony just how worthy of love he is.
Surrounded by this mismatched, chosen family Tony closes his eyes, falling asleep to the softly murmured tales of past adventures. When doesn’t wake up to the next bout of bittersweet laughter, they see it is time.
One by one, they rise, bid Steve and Tony a quiet goodnight, and take their leave.
”Do you need anything?” Bucky asks when he walks up.
Steve’s eyes are red and his cheeks wet but he offers Bucky a small smile anyway. ”No,” he says softly. ”I’m okay. We’ll be okay.” He sniffs and swallows, trails his fingers ever so gently across Tony’s brow. ”And JARVIS will watch over us.”
”Always,” JARVIS says, something unbearably sad in his voice.
Bucky nods. He reaches out his flesh hand and rests his palm briefly on Tony’s bony shoulder. ”Goodbye, Tony. Raise hell wherever you go. We’ll follow the noise when it’s our time.”
Without a further word, he leaves the room and closes the door behind him.
From the common room windows, the sunset is gorgeous, vibrant red and gold. Bucky stops and just stares for a long moment with a small smile on his lips, drinking in the sight, ignoring the rest of the team keeping vigil in silence.
”Fitting for Tony Stark,” he murmurs and blinks the tears from his eyes. ”Getting the sky to light up in Iron Man colors for his last night on Earth.”
It’s a good look.