Close Your Eyes And Trust

It was a Thursday night, and the place was packed with people. Loud music reverberated through him like a living beat, making his body throb in sync with the bass. The feeling was disconcerting. 

Cas threaded his way through the crowd, keeping his left hand close to his side to avoid anyone bumping into him. Rationally, he knew he had nothing to worry about: he had changed his pouch before leaving, and he was wearing a supportive underwear just to be safe. He had never had an accident, but he still couldn’t help worrying. It would be his worst nightmare if the pouch leaked.

There was a reason he didn’t like these crowded spaces, after all.

Cas sighed and looked around. He honestly didn’t know why he was there. Or, well, he did, but he didn’t understand why he had said yes — and on a Thursday night of all days! But he had, mainly because a week back, Inias had goaded him to sign up for the party, claiming it was something that was generally done in college. Cas wasn’t sure, because he had managed to pass for two years without attending a frat party like this. He had always assumed he wouldn’t like them, and it wasn’t like he was going to be missed anyway.

But it didn’t explain why he had actually arrived into the mansion on Thursday night when he had several papers due. He usually worked best during the night, and a night with Inias gone equalled hours of quiet time.

With a sigh, he started shouldering his way forward again. He could at least give the event an hour before leaving. Besides, if he left now, without seeing Inias, he would never stop hearing about it.

He pushed his way through a particularly dense crowd, and let out a breath of relief when he finally made it to a relatively quiet corner.

”Cas, hi!” Someone called from the room on his right.

Cas blinked and turned to take a look into the room. A bunch of people were sitting in a circle, an empty bottle on its side in the middle. The one who had called out for him was Inias, but Cas didn’t recognize the others.

”Come in and sit your ass down,” a woman with long blonde hair said with a grin.

A bit awkward, Cas walked in, sat down, and gave a small smile to others.

”Cas, this is Jo,” Inias said, pointing at the blonde, ”Ash, Bal, Ruby, and Charlie. Dean’s back there, getting drinks. Everyone, this is Cas, my nerdy roommate.”

Cas’s heart missed a beat when Dean turned to salute him with a beer can. 

He knew who Dean was: he’d admired him from afar for some time now. Dean had been in the soccer team for a year until he had busted his knee, but soccer wasn’t the only merit he had, he was also a good student. 

On top of that, he was gorgeous. Cas had quite a crush on him.

”So, Cas,” Jo said. ”Have you ever played truth or dare?”

Cas shook his head. He knew how the game worked, but he had never played himself. However, he soon discovered that they had decided to combine spinning the bottle with truth/dare. Jo introduced him to the rules and offered him the first chance to spin. 

He had always been a bit awkward in social situations, but to his own surprise, he soon realized he actually liked the game — even if it came with personal questions. 

”So, how did your parents react when you came out?” Charlie asked.

Cas blinked. It wasn’t that he was even slightly embarrassed about being gay, he just wasn’t exactly used to his sexuality being addressed so directly.

”Ah… I’m the only child, so my mom was mainly worried that she wouldn’t get any grandkids,” he said. 

”And your dad?”

Cas shrugged. ”He left when I was a kid.”

”Oh,” Charlie breathed and the others let out compassionate noncommittal noises. Cas wasn’t sure what to say, so he spun the bottle and proceeded to ask what was the political statement behind Ash’s mullet.

Later, when Inias spun the bottle and it landed on Cas, he decided to be brave and do a dare, mostly because he knew what Inias would ask. 

”Star Wars theme. Left nostril. With vibrato,” Inias intoned seriously.

Cas nodded and stood up. 

Humming the Star Wars theme through his nostrils was a rare skill he had mastered as a kid and something that had cemented his and Inias’s friendship. It also was something Inias liked to make him perform, but he didn’t mind. Usually, it was fun. 

As it was, performing the Star Wars theme backwards earned him whooped applauds from the others and an awed grin from Dean. Cas gave his thanks with a small smile and sat carefully back down. Apparently, he had been nervous for nothing.

However, the next time the bottle pointed at Cas, Jo grinned, glanced at Dean, and said, ”I dare you to kiss Dean.”

The smile Cas had been sporting dropped and he swallowed. ”I— no, I don’t— ”

”If you’re worried about Dean, no need,” Ash said. 

Dean gave a tentative smile and waved. ”Openly bi, no sweat.”

”No, I mean— ” Unable to find an excuse, Cas scrambled up and fled, leaving the others sit in awkwardness.

”I’m sorry Dean,” he heard Jo say from behind him. 

He didn’t hear Dean’s answer.

The next morning, Cas managed to flee his room before Inias woke up. He knew he had to face his roommate eventually, but he wanted to avoid it as long as possible. Inias had a habit of digging and digging until he got his answer, and Cas just wasn’t in the mood. 

He succeeded for two whole days, and then Inias decided to play dirty, skipping his class, and cornering Cas in their room.

”Cas, what the hell?”

Cas shrugged and pretended to concentrate on his book.

Inias didn’t buy it, but slapped his hand in the middle of the book and pushed it down.

”You were being an asshole, you know that? You could’ve just said something instead of running away and making me look like an idiot. Not to mention being a jerk to Dean.”

Inias flopped on the bed beside him, and Cas jerked instinctively back a bit. He was never comfortable when people came close to him on the left side.

Inias paused and his eyes darted to his midsection. ”You can’t be serious,” he huffed. ”Is this about Lee again? He was a dick.”

”But he was right,” Cas said.

Inias gave him a hard look. ”No, he wasn’t, but whatever.” He got up and gathered his gear to go to the gym. ”You should probably talk to Dean, you know?” He called from the door. ”The guy’s got a crush on you.”

Cas was left blinking at the door after Inias.

Dean had a crush on him? That was ridiculous. Dean was cute, funny, and smart, and completely out of Cas’s league. 

Inias was wrong.

And even if he was right, Cas knew better than to hope. He had learned already.

”Hi Cas! Wanna come and grab a burger?” 

Cas was jolted from his studies by a poke on the shoulder. He looked up to see Dean leaning on the library cubicle wall with a hesitant smile.

”I don’t eat burgers,” Cas answered with a small frown.

Dean’s smile turned slightly forced. ”Oh. Right. Well… Sorry to bother you, I’ll leave you to your things then,” he said and turned to go.

Cas opened his mouth to call after him, but he wasn’t sure of what to say, so he said nothing and turned back to his book. 

”Actually, no,” Dean suddenly said from behind him. ”I’m not leaving you to your things. I don’t know what the fuck is your problem, but at least you could be a man enough to say it to my face instead of hiding behind your damn books.”

Bewildered, Cas turned around to look at a seriously pissed-off Dean.

”I mean, yeah, I know I’m not a catch, being a bloated soccer-team drop-out, but hey, that’s my problem.”

”What?”

”What ’What?’” Dean snorted. ”Ever since that party, you’ve been turning tail and running away if you even caught a glimpse of my sorry ass. Apparently the idea of kissing me as a joke was so appalling that you can’t stand being near me. Makes a guy feel all sorts of special, you know?”

Cas blinked. ”It’s not— that’s —” he stammered.

Dean narrowed his eyes. ”If you go with the ’It’s not you, it’s me’ line, I swear to God, Cas…”

Cas deflated. ”But it is,” he insisted quietly.

Dean was silent for a moment. ”Yeah, right,” he then said and left.

When Cas returned to his room, Inias took one look at him and said without a preamble, ”You look like shit.”

Cas didn’t even have the energy to wince at the pun. He sagged on the bed and sighed.

”Why the sour face?” Inias asked with a frown.

Cas shook his head. ”I talked to Dean. Or actually, he talked to me.”

”Oh?” Inias said and perked up. ”How did it go?”

Cas huffed a non-humorous laugh. ”Just as well as you could imagine. He thinks I’m a total dick.” He lay down, turned to face the wall, and closed his eyes.

”Sorry,” Inias said quietly.

Cas didn’t answer, and after a moment, he heard Inias’s bed creak and the door open and swing shut. Just as well, he could use some quality time feeling miserable.

After a short while, the door opened again and Cas heard hesitant footsteps stop beside his bed.

”Go away Inias, I’m not in the mood,” he  grumbled.

”Uh, not him,” Dean said awkwardly.

Startled, Cas turned around to see Dean shift his weight from one foot to the other. 

”So get this, Inias came to get me, pretty much dragged me with him, and said we need to talk because we’re both, and I quote ’bone-headed morons.’” He gave an apologetic smile and shrugged. ”So, here I am. Can I sit?”

Mutely, Cas nodded and moved a little to make some room.

After a moment of tense silence, Dean said, ”What’s going on, Cas?”

Cas bit his lip, but decided to bite the bullet. Just do it, he thought, sitting up cross-legged. Like ripping off a band-aid, right? 

”A couple of years back, I was diagnosed with rectal cancer,” he said quietly to his hands on his lap. ”Just to be clear, yes, I knew back then I was gay, but I hadn’t had penetrative sex with anyone. The doctors said it was a freak-of-nature kind of thing, to get that aggressive form so young,” he shrugged. “Long story short, I went to a surgery, had bits of my intestines cut off, and ended up with a colostomy. It affects my life a lot, starting with what I can and cannot eat.”

”What’s a colostomy?” Dean asked.

”It’s an opening through the abdomen.” Cas swallowed and closed his eyes. ”I literally shit through my stomach,” he said crudely.

”Okay,” Dean said easily. ”And?”

Cas’s eyes flew open. ”Okay?” He repeated incredulously, staring at Dean. ”That’s what you’ve got to say?”

Dean frowned. ”What else could I say? I’m sorry?”

”But— ”

Dean cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. ”Is this the reason you ran away?”

Cas flinched. ”The last guy I dated... The moment he found out, he said I smelled like shit.”

”What a dick. And you don’t,” Dean said.

Cas shrugged, turning his head away.

”I thought you didn’t want to kiss me because I’m fat,” Dean said quietly.

Cas gaped. ”You’re not!” 

It was Dean’s turn to shrug with a rueful smile. 

They sat in silence for a moment. It was still awkward, but because of a different reason. Cas was painfully aware of Dean sitting so close, and he suppressed his urge to fidget.

Then Dean quirked a brow at Cas and grinned mischievously. ”Okay, truth or dare.”

”What?” 

”Truth or dare, Cas,” Dean repeated.

Cas swallowed. ”Truth,” he said weakly.

”Do you want me to kiss you?”

Mutely, Cas nodded, barely daring to breathe.

With a soft smile, Dean leaned forward and gave him a gentle kiss.

”Wanna know what the dare was?” He murmured against Cas’s lips, and without waiting for the answer, he continued, ”I dare you to kiss me.”

Cas did.